How Not to Get a Job
by Bill Haley, 1 Apr 2009

Bill Haley is President, Interactive of Allied Pixel (www.AlliedPixel.com), an integrated media production firm specializing in the convergence of HD video, web and interactive media. He is also an evangelist for PhillyCreativeGuide.com. He can be reached at bill.haley@alliedpixel.com.

People often wonder if there are certain things they should do in a job interview to improve their chances. I'm sure there are, but equally important are the things they shouldn't do in the interview. Here, in no particular order, are some things a job applicant can do to Not Get the Job.

Show up 30 minutes late.

I enjoy sitting around waiting for people. I really do. It gives me time to reflect how, like the grains of sand in an hourglass, the minutes of my life are slipping by, lost forever, as I ruminate about how incredibly annoyed I am becoming, and devise ways to cut your interview short to get even.

Wear flip-flops to the interview.

Yes, we're in the creative business and we do have pinball machines and an air hockey table and some seriously laid-back employees. And yes, I think it's great that you are ready to head to the beach immediately after the interview. But maybe you shouldn't get all casual on us right off the bat...

Start the interview with "So, about my Facebook page..."

Well, I do think it's cool that you smoked a bong for 14 hours nonstop at your dorm party. And that you won the wet t-shirt contest on Spring Break. I just think we might want to get to know each other a little better before we get, to, uh, know each other that well.

Scribble a bunch of notes on a pad.

It makes me nervous anytime someone is writing down what I'm saying. So I end up saying, well, kind of, nothing. You're probably better off concealing a secret voice recorder in your pocket and then transcribing it later.

Tell me how much your last job sucked.

'Cause somehow I get the crazy feeling that six months from now you'll be saying the same thing about this one.

Share your views about politics, religion and sexuality.

Those are really conversations that should be reserved for heavy drinking situations, don't you think?

Tell me you're a Javascript God.

Or a Marketing Maven. Or a Photoshop Phenom. Seems to me that if you have to say it, you're probably not really a deity. Let your work do the talking.

Drop the F-Bomb.

It's wonderful that you know grown-up words like that. But maybe you should wait until your first day on the job before you go around cussing like a drunken sailor. WTF.

Ask if those are my kids in the photo on my desk.

Contrary to popular opinion, dumb questions actually do improve your chances of getting hired. It's just that in my case, I really liked the picture that came with the frame when I bought it.

Crank up the volume of your Mos Def ringtone.

Hey, everybody loves music! This is a great way for you to educate me on what's hot in the hip-hop world, you crazy little gangsta. Maybe you could have your friends call you every couple minutes, so I can memorize the lines.

Tell me all about your experience in the insurance brokerage business.

Your work experience in unrelated fields tells me a lot ... for example, that you have worked in unrelated fields.

Don't proofread your resume.

I just look at the pictures, anyway.

Tell me how great Mac is, and how lame Windows is.

I already know. It's just that, well, we're a Windows shop.

Text your buddy.

Nothing says "I really don't care" like texting while you talk.

Dominate the conversation, interrupt me, chew gum, spit.

You are doing us both a favor by exhibiting annoying personal habits during the interview. Namely, you are saving me the time and trouble of hiring you, and saving yourself the hassle of getting fired.

Other than the things above, pretty much anything goes when you're interviewing for a job in the creative field. Hope you find what you're looking for.